Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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