this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
