I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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