i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
