I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
