dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
