please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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