I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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