she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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