I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
