i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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