he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
