I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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