he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
