I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
