YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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