last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Come on in and take your pants off
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