Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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