I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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