I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
