Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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