every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
