are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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