She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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