I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
My liver just had a heart attack.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
