Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
