I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
