i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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