He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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