tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize