I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
