if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
