i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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