at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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