one might say we're banned from that church
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
