Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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