Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
