The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
