watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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