yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
