I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
