I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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