his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
