I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
