My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
