he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
