Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
