Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
