Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize