Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
