Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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