when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
