road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
